I spent the entire weekend alone. I might be losing my mind. It’s like I’m in solitary confinement. I keep having these deep philosophical thoughts. Like,
It’s nearly impossible to use up the last of the milk at the same time you use up the last of the cereal.
When you’re single, all you see are couples. When you’re a couple, all you see are eligible singles.
Sometimes it is more work looking busy at work than it would be to do actual work.
I think gay guys stand with their hips to one side because it’s the opposite of standing up “straight.”
I like buying houseplants and goldfish, but then again, I’m psychotic and like to watch things die a slow, horrible death in captivity.
It’s always a good idea to ask about the return policy on a coffin.
I think so many people do amateur porn because the only way to get caught is if a person admits to watching porn.
Why do professional wrestlers compete for a belt? Most of them don’t even wear pants.
And I’m also contemplating my life’s decisions. I’m thankful to have a day off, but I’m sort of happy to go back to work so I don’t have to be alone. That makes me really sad.