I was in a really shitty mood today. I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed out or pissed off about something in my entire life. I thought it would feel good to try to just stop caring today, but it only made me feel worse. I talked to Colin about it today and he had a different point of view. Instead of assuming that Principal Belstead is out to get me, he said to look at it from a Principal’s point of view of trying to provide the best teachers for the students in her school.
He told me how lucky I was to get a position right out of college. He told me how most fresh grads could barely get aide jobs. He also said that my whole situation was fucked up. He thinks that she expected Mrs. Halloway to come back and that I would be relieved relatively quickly. He thinks maybe Principal Belstead feels responsible for not properly training me and just wants me out of the school to hide her own failure for hiring an inexperienced, under qualified teacher.
Not that he made me feel all that better, but I could sort of see how I just got trapped in a situation that was between Halloway and Belstead. I’m the victim here.
He’s really a smart guy. He also made me feel guilty by pointing out that it’s not about me anyway; it’s about the “children.” (puke) But, he’s right. I can’t just throw in the towel and give up on my students. True, they’re total shitheads with shit for brains that treat me like a piece of shit, but they deserve an education.
Basically, tomorrow is my chance to reset with them before winter break. I get to be fun and make them all like me. Hopefully they’ll miss me over break and we can start fresh in January.
If my kids scores improve, then my teaching will speak for itself and I won’t need Principal Belstead to hire me back. I can take her endorsement and my one year of experience and find a better school.
But until then, it’s my job to teach these motherfuckers.