I’m so excited!! We bought tickets to this awesome club for tonight! It was ridiculously expensive but it’s an open bar and they provide a buffet, party favors, and a huge dance floor! It’s going to be hella-awesome! They’ve got the best DJ in the city, and I’ve got this really slutty outfit I’m excited to wear. Colin, Zooey, and Patrick are all going! It’s going to be so much fun! We’re going to get so drunk!
The boys are coming over here to pre-game and then this party goes until 2:00! We bought a bunch of stuff for breakfast. HOORAY! I love New Year’s!
It was a big year for me. I graduated from college, moved out of my parent’s place, moved in with my boyfriend, got a real teaching job, broke up with my boyfriend, moved in with my cousin, starting dating other people… I’d say I seized this year to it’s potential.
But looking back I think I need to make a serious commitment to being a better teacher. This is my chose field, it’s what I’ve wanted to do my entire life. I have to have faith that it’s going to get easier. I’ve heard that more than 1/2 of new teachers don’t make it more than 5 years. I believe it. I’m not even sure I can make it 5 months.
I’m not sure what I have to do. Do I have to get better at accepting that kids are awful creatures and stop stressing out over their imbecilic behavior? Or do I have to find better ways to reach them and hone my teaching abilities?
Based on what I’ve seen of really good teachers, I feel like it must be the latter. I have to be better. I have to change my attitude and work harder (if that’s even possible) to find new ways to reach my students.
Someday I’d like to become a college professor for future teachers. Maybe I’ll make them read this blog so they’ll know what to expect.
Personally, I should be nicer to my mom. She’s done a lot for me and I don’t think I’ve shown her the proper appreciation. I’ll also be a better person in my relationships. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with Colin that I made with Johnny. I’m going to try to be more open and honest.
Here’s to a better year in 2017!
“I can get so much done over break,” I remember myself saying before break. That’s been a crock of shit. Honestly, I tried to get some work done the other day and it’s hopeless. I need guided reading books, but I’ve completely tapped ReadingAtoZ and I don’t have a subscription to any other services.
So instead of getting ahead on lesson plans, I spent the entire day watching TV and playing on my phone. And it was WONDERFUL!
It’s almost 4:30 and I haven’t showered, brushed my teeth, or taken off my pajamas. Zooey’s still at home so I’ve had the whole place to myself. And dammit, I deserved today.
So what if I’ll probably have trouble sleeping tonight because I have so much work to do. That’s not until next year 😉
Anyway, Colin is coming over after he gets off work and is bringing me dinner. I should probably get ready.
I can tell that Colin is a good guy because he’s a terrible liar. And I’ll give him some leeway since he didn’t try to lie to my face. He just sort of dodged the question.
Basically, I told him that my ex wasn’t leaving me alone and I asked him if he had seen or heard from his ex-girlfriend. And he made this face:
“Hmm… have I seen or heard from my ex-girlfriend…let me see…”
Right there it’s obvious he had seen her. I told him “it’s not a hard question. I’d think you’d remember.”
He could’ve just lied and said “nope” straight up, but instead I think his puny male brain was trying to find a way to not answer the question and not lie to me. Which, like I said, probably means he’s not a horrible guy.
Anyway, after beating it out of him. Yes, he did see his ex-girlfriend on Christmas. She came over to return some of his stuff, bring him cookies, and talk. According to Colin she just wanted to make sure he’s okay. He said it was sort of awkward because his parents were around. He also said that it just upset him all over again seeing her.
It all seemed fairly innocent. But I’m fucking pissed off that I had to ask him about it. It makes me think he wouldn’t tell me. And we had a small fight about being honest with each other.
Hopefully I didn’t come off as too much of a jealous bitch and he’ll tell me the next time she pops up. Colin also didn’t say that I shouldn’t see Johnny one more time, but he also didn’t say that I should. I’m still stuck on that.
Again, though. It’s Wednesday and I don’t have to work tomorrow!!! Long live winter break!
I’m back in the city at my place. I finally heard from Colin. He texted me back “I have a present too, hope it’s not too big ;-)” Then he apologized for not texting back and told me that his mom doesn’t like it when he’s on his phone because it’s “family time.” Mm-hm. Sure. I don’t know if I trust him, but I didn’t say anything. He asked if I was coming back to the city tonight and I told him I wasn’t sure. I was planning on staying the whole week. A gal can get used to free food, free heat, cable, so on. But my mom and Lou were getting on my nerves. Plus Daryl keeps having his pervert friends over.
I just got home and my place is freezing! Colin said he would stop by tonight, so that’s exciting. He had to go back to work today, which sucks. He only had Monday off. We didn’t text much today so we should have a lot to talk about.
I’ve been ignoring Johnny’s texts. I don’t really know what else to do. He’s acting crazy. He keeps saying that he just wants to see me one more time so that everything between us is worked out. He doesn’t want it to be weird between us. He misses me… etc. I don’t know. I think maybe I’ll bring it up to Colin and use it to see where he’s at with his ex.
Meanwhile, I LOVE that it’s Tuesday night and I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. I wish break lasted forever!
I talked to my grandmother on the phone this morning. It’s so awkward. Actually, not really that awkward. She just talks about herself anyway. She’s not the type of grandma to ask me about my life or even call to check up on me. She doesn’t even send me Christmas gifts anymore. She lives a couple of hours away, too. But nobody likes her so we don’t visit. And she accuses us of not liking her so she refuses to visit us, too.
But for some reason my mom was talking to her this morning. I made the mistake of walking in the room while my mom was on the phone and my mom said, “Oh, Jessie just walked in the room, did you want to talk to her?”
I didn’t hear my grandma, but I’m sure it was a very falsetto “Sure!” and meanwhile I’m giving my mother the frantic arms-waving-back-and-forth-begging-her-to-not-put-me-on-the-phone-with-her sign. But then my mom made that silent “do it!” face and I was forced to talk to the old hag.
“Hi, Grandma!” I said with as much fake enthusiasm as I could muster.
“Hi, Sweetheart. How are you?”
“I’m okay, how are you?”
“Oh, you know. My arthritis has been really bad this winter.”
“My doctor has got me on this medication. It’s probably something you kids would like. Makes me all loopy.” (then she laughs at her own joke)
“Well, go easy on that stuff, Grandma.”
“I will, I will.”
Uncomfortable silence. Then she asks, “Is your mother still there?”
That’s what it’s like to talk to my grandma.
Also, it’s now three days and Colin hasn’t texted me back. This isn’t the first time that he’s disappeared like this. I’m paranoid that he’s back with his ex-girlfriend. But he hasn’t posted anything online. So, last night I texted him a suggestive picture and told him that I have a present for him to open. I didn’t send it too late. I hope if he was with his ex-girlfriend she was around him when I sent it. That should teach him 😉
I suppose in the spirit of the holidays and good will towards mankind, I got over everyone trying to tell me how to live my life and managed to have a nice Christmas morning.
However, I’m a little pissed off at Colin. I texted him this morning to wish him a Merry Christmas and he hasn’t texted me back. In fact, I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. I think maybe he’s hanging out with his ex-girlfriend. She’s probably home from college. He better not be! Otherwise, he’s in big trouble!
Merry Christmas to my readers, too! I really only wanted to use this blog to vent and reflect, but it’s nice that people are interested in my life enough to read what I have to write. Thank you!
I can’t believe it’s finally here! Also, I can’t believe Christmas eve is tomorrow! I know some schools that had break start this week, but I think it’s better this way. Although I completely forgot about buying gifts this year. I usually buy my mom and Lou something, but this year I’m totally broke. It’s not fair that my student loan payments started up so quickly! Basically, I should be thankful I have a full time job. But, yes, money is a major stress factor in my life.
I’m excited for Christmas. We usually get together with Lou’s family on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas day at Aunt Fran’s and Uncle Roger’s. I wonder if Zander will be there now that he’s engaged. I’m also curious if Colin got me a Christmas present. We’ve been talking and hanging out everyday. He didn’t mention anything. Hopefully if he did get me something it isn’t anything extravagant. I didn’t get him anything.
I feel better now. I feel relaxed for the moment. I know that won’t last. I have to get ready for my student starting after break. I also have lesson planning to do and materials to prep. But I think that can all wait until after New Year’s.
Zooey already went home. We both have the whole week off and she thinks she’s going to spend it all at her parent’s house. I think I’ll spend the week at home, too. We have tickets to go to a party at a bar for New Year’s Eve! Patrick and Colin are going! I’m so excited to have a date on New Year’s!! I’m so excited to not have to go to work for two weeks!!! I love being a teacher!!
I was in a really shitty mood today. I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed out or pissed off about something in my entire life. I thought it would feel good to try to just stop caring today, but it only made me feel worse. I talked to Colin about it today and he had a different point of view. Instead of assuming that Principal Belstead is out to get me, he said to look at it from a Principal’s point of view of trying to provide the best teachers for the students in her school.
He told me how lucky I was to get a position right out of college. He told me how most fresh grads could barely get aide jobs. He also said that my whole situation was fucked up. He thinks that she expected Mrs. Halloway to come back and that I would be relieved relatively quickly. He thinks maybe Principal Belstead feels responsible for not properly training me and just wants me out of the school to hide her own failure for hiring an inexperienced, under qualified teacher.
Not that he made me feel all that better, but I could sort of see how I just got trapped in a situation that was between Halloway and Belstead. I’m the victim here.
He’s really a smart guy. He also made me feel guilty by pointing out that it’s not about me anyway; it’s about the “children.” (puke) But, he’s right. I can’t just throw in the towel and give up on my students. True, they’re total shitheads with shit for brains that treat me like a piece of shit, but they deserve an education.
Basically, tomorrow is my chance to reset with them before winter break. I get to be fun and make them all like me. Hopefully they’ll miss me over break and we can start fresh in January.
If my kids scores improve, then my teaching will speak for itself and I won’t need Principal Belstead to hire me back. I can take her endorsement and my one year of experience and find a better school.
But until then, it’s my job to teach these motherfuckers.