These teaching job applications take forever to fill out, I haven’t received any word back (yes or no), and I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing.
It’s the essay questions that kill you. Here are some of my favorites:
Outstanding teachers don’t hit their students.
How would you address a wide range of skills and abilities in your classroom?
I treat each student as complete moron.
What have you read recently that influenced your thinking about teaching?
What has been the most creative, independent, proactive activity that you have had your students do?
What personal qualities do you possess that will allow you to become a successful teacher?
I have an amazing ass.
Because the position of Kim Kardashian is already filled.
Please explain how your past, personal and professional experience make you a quality candidate for the position for which you are applying.
I had a teacher every year in school.
What do you enjoy most about teaching?
Teacher Appreciation Day
What do you enjoy least about teaching?
How do you measure student success?
I use their grades.
Briefly describe your professional beliefs and principles. How do these values exhibit themselves in the position you are applying for and in your career development?
I’m a Satanist and a sadist. Both apply to teaching.
What are your professional goals and plans?
To come up with goals and plans.
In your opinion, what are the important issues facing our profession today?
The lack of available teaching positions.
Please list relevant additional activities in which you are interested in participating (for example, extra-curricular or community).
I’d like coach recess.
Describe how you have developed and utilized formative assessments in your classroom.
I have the students grade themselves. It holds them accountable for their own learning.
How do you think the common core standards will affect your instruction in the classroom? What will a lesson look like?
It won’t make any sense to me or my students.
How have you implemented literature circles, and/or guided instruction in your classroom?
I read 50 Shades of Grey. I find it to be the most educational book.
Is student discipline a question of management or instruction? Explain.
Neither. It’s the parent’s fault.
Think about a high performing team that you have been a part of (any team – school related, or not). What qualities or behaviors did this team exhibit that made it high performing?
How do you facilitate your own professional growth?
I started a blog about my blossoming career as a teacher.
That made me feel better. I hope you all know I’m kidding! But come on, these questions are bullshit! You know a good person by meeting that person! Questions like these waste my time and the person hiring.
Do you want to know if I’ll be a good teacher? INTERVIEW ME! Get to know me as a person. Get to know my personality. These questions are just words. I suppose they weed out the people that can’t write.